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Stoic advice: My partner is not a Stoic, how do I develop a successful relationship?
D. writes: I’m in the early days of a new relationship and have had so many opportunities to apply the Stoic teachings that the difference between this and my last previous one is a step change. My partner isn’t Stoic or Stoic-inclined, but she very much appreciates the results (she describes it as “maturity”). On my part, I do my best to practice stealth Stoicism. I don’t always manage but the intention is always present.
Often however, what I struggle with is not the restraint part, but the “groaning outwardly” bit. Not for serious things, but for mundane, day to day things. For example: she gets upset by the weather; or because of some workplace unkindness; she stresses a lot about a scheduled covid test, or an upcoming interview. Or she asks whether or not I like that she vapes. Her habit does not upset me, after all her actions are out of my control, but I do have a concern for her health so I don’t “like” it. Then again, no one does wrong knowingly, and I understand why she feels the need to. All of this is a bit difficult to summarize or explain in the moment.
For situations where there’s a practical solution, I’m more than happy to help: I offered to accompany her to her covid test and help with some interview prep. It’s the simple consolations for mundane things that I’m asking about. I’ve been practicing Stoicism seriously for a while now, and the way I think about things is so different that I can’t relate to the frame of mind my partner has, or even that I myself used to have a few years ago. To be clear, I’m not claiming to be a sage and immune to all externals, but for some externals my ability to relate is just blank.
Most of the time I respond by saying “oh yeah that sucks” or “let me know if there’s anything I can do to help,” which though genuine, certainly feels repetitive to me. And I also feel it is dishonest or counterproductive to indulge her with blaming, catastrophizing, hyperbolic thinking, etc.. So my options to sympathize over frequent, small things without coming across as cold or dismissive feel pretty limited.
Is this a problem? If so, any suggestions? If not, should I just let her know that sometimes I will struggle to give a non-Stoic response?
