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Stoic advice: I hurt my best friend and she won’t accept my apologies
C. writes: I have a mental illness and my friend was the only one who knew about it and my only support in dark times. We used to share everything and she was my reason for happiness. But we had a huge fight recently and we both said some things that we shouldn’t have and stopped talking to each other. I, after a few weeks, thought of taking the first step and contacted her and apologized. But she didn’t accept my apology. She said she was hurt beyond repair and that she never wants to have that friendship with me anymore.
Now I know that we both said some things that hurt each other, but I am feeling guilty that I hurt her. Even though she hurt me too and never apoligised, I still don’t care and still want her back in my life. I hurt more not from what she said to me, but from what I said to her as I feel I shouldn’t have hurt another human being, let alone my best friend. I am trying to forget about it but these thoughts capture my mind every passing moment of day and night and I can’t help but cry over how I hurt my best friend and regret it every second of my life.
As I’m sure you know, the past is not under our control, so dwelling on your mistakes is not going to be helpful, and in fact it will simply make you feel more miserable. Perhaps you feel you deserve this, because you have hurt your friend. However, a sensible approach to justice is based not on retribution, but on reparation.
Except, of course, that sometimes the damaged party does not accept our attempts at reparation, as you have unfortunately found out. Again, the dichotomy of control comes into play here:
“Some things are within our power, while others are not. Within our power are opinion, motivation, desire, aversion, and, in a word, whatever is of our own doing; not within our power are our body, our property, reputation, office, and, in a word, whatever is not of our own doing.” (Enchiridion I.1)
Your friend’s opinion of you, or her willingness to resume your relationship, is quite simply not in your power, so you should let it go. This…
