Stoic advice: how do I say “no”?

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M. writes: how does a Stoic say ‘no’? In other words, how can being (or becoming) a Stoic help in becoming more assertive? I’m 54, but still not really assertive. It’s much better than it used to be, but, especially with regard to authoritative and/or older persons, it’s often still a problem (probably has to do with being brought up by a very dominant father) — but often with other people too. The problem is that I want to please people too much, or maybe it’s more correct to say that I don’t want/like to disappoint people. I feel guilty so quickly (it’s the same with my partner: when I tell her this, she then even feels guilty about feeling guilty too quickly).

Here’s an example: several times a year, I’m invited to attend meetings which always take place in the evening, and which last so long that I only come home around midnight (and six hours later, I have to get up again, to go to the office). An extra problem is that the place where these meetings are held is in a remote place (an abbey), which I can only reach by taking two trains (with little time for changing from one train to the other). Furthermore, I live at a remote place myself (and have no car). So going to these meetings is laborious and I risk to miss a connection between trains. Also, they last too long (three hours), whereas I’m convinced that many things that are discussed, can be arranged by mail (there’s no Skype possibility). I already said this at one of these meetings, but the response was very negative. The country I live in — Belgium — has a very strong ‘meeting culture’ — people are convinced that meetings and brainstorming are the most effective means to settle or organize things — I’m not so sure about this myself. But I’m wandering from the subject: how would a Stoic handle situations like these?

There are two issues going on here, seems to me. One is your general unwillingness to be more assertive; the second is the specific issue of your long work meetings. While the second is certainly connected to the first one, you spent more than half your letter writing about it, so it clearly bothers you! Let’s start there, then.