Good and bad reasons to argue

This morning I was taking my usual power walk around downtown Brooklyn with my wife. We do it to keep a bit of mental sanity during the pandemic and as part of our daily exercise routine. I mentioned that I recently had yet another discussion with my libertarian friend Y. She was puzzled and asked me why, since Y. and I have been arguing for years about certain political and economic topics, seemingly with neither of us changing our mind about them. There must be something else, my wife suggested, that you are getting out of these otherwise frustrating interactions. Good point, which led directly to the reflections in this essay.

It is often assumed that when one engages in an argument one wants to win, which implies that one also wants one’s opponent to lose. But this war metaphor won’t do, except in special cases. Sure, if you are Perry Mason defending someone in a court of law, you want to win. Unfortunately, our legal system does enshrine a zero-sum game, where one side prevails and the other is vanquished. It doesn’t have to be that way, but it is in many countries.

Whenever I engage in conversation with someone with whom I disagree, one of my goals is to persuade my interlocutor (not opponent!) to come around to my point of view. That is why I strive (but not always succeed) to follow philosopher Dan Dennett’s rules of engagement:

1. You should attempt to re-express the other person’s position so clearly, vividly, and fairly that s/he might be inclined to say, “Thanks, I wish I’d thought of putting it that way.”
2. You should list any points of agreement (especially if they are not matters of general or widespread agreement).
3. You should mention anything you have learned from your interlocutor.
4. Only then you should feel free to engage in rebuttal or criticism.

But even this seemingly reasonable attitude has come under attack of late. I keep hearing people who say that I should not engage in discussions in order to persuade the other, but rather so that I may learn and sharpen my own position.

As if those were mutually exclusive alternatives! Of course we should enter a dialogue with a mind sufficiently open so that we may learn something from the other person, and even change our stance. And yes…